If you've never heard of Love After Lockup, then you're missing out on some of the most unimaginable romantic (tragic?) stories to date.
Love After Lockup follows recently released prisoners and their lovers, delving into the romantic relationships that ensue between them.
If you thought it sounded scandalous, then you would be right. The show piqued my interest not only because of my high hopes and expectations that it would be a dramatic mess, but also because I was incredibly curious to know and understand why these everyday people were so fixated on being with past criminals.
Stream complete seasons of Love After Lockup for free on 9Now.
Let's just say that dipping my toes into the murky waters that was this show was both eye-opening and engaging for all of the wrong reasons.
In just the first episode I had a lot of thoughts. Possibly too many thoughts. In fact I had 24 thoughts on just two of the relationships shown (there are more). But if I wrote about all of them then this article would be too wild, so we're just focusing on two.
The first loved-up couple (might be a generous description) are 30-year-old Cheryl, an intervention assistant (and may need to assist in holding an intervention for herself) who's in a relationship with Josh, 31, who robbed a bank six years ago and is about to be released from prison. Here were my thoughts watching their story unfold in Episode 1.
1. We're introduced with Cheryl saying she has "big goals" and wanting "more than the average" and I can't help but think that marrying a criminal must be her big goal, and in an obscure way, that's probably more than the average.
2. FACEPALM. She thinks her sister — a correctional officer — being shocked by Josh's past crime is "making a big deal out of nothing". I need to know what Cheryl thinks is a "big deal".
3. Oh, Cheryl's obsessed with serial killers. Of course she is. Crazy how she stumbled upon Josh's image during her research on serial killers and then she ended up writing to him.
4. Cheryl says he's "perfect" upon seeing his CRIMINAL profile. I am starting to love how Cheryl defines people.
5. OMG ONE LETTER BACK AND FORTH AND HE WRITES, "I'm going to put a baby in you and love you forever". This is a clear RED FLAG but Cheryl is all like GREEN FLAG GREEN FLAG. Cheryl PLEASE. Josh is such a charmer.
6. Josh's crime — robbing a bank — is a turn on for Cheryl. I should be surprised by this but for some reason I am not.
7. Oh dear she has three children and thinks Josh will be a "wonderful stepdad". Noooo keep him away from the kids. He robbed a bank.
8. I love Cheryl's sister. She's an icon because she just says it how it is. She also works in a maximum-security prison so you can just tell she knows what's going on and hates it. Her sunglasses hide her deadpan disappointment.
9. SHE'S SPENT $30,000 ON THIS GUY. This just screams scam. You could have been spending this money on your kids. Cheryl get it together.
10. "I helped him when he was locked up and now when he gets out he will help me and my kids." Cheryl, this is not going to go how you envisage. Oh dear she just confirmed she wants to get married to him. SLOW DOWN CHERYL… He's not even out of prison yet.
11. Bless her sister for casually but straight up calling her stupid.
12. OMG Cheryl has a friend that's a clown and he's come over in full makeup. It's like a metaphor for this whole situation. Love that he's in costume though he's bringing it to this show and I am here for it. You know a situation is bad when a clown is saying "choices aren't that bright."'
13. Oh no she just told her parents she wants to get married to him. Her parents are literally saying wait a year before getting married and she "can't wait that long" — OMG CHERYL LEARN PATIENCE. Good things come to those who wait. In this case it's most likely finding out he's a bad idea and having the opportunity to run.
OK we have to move on from Cheryl because it's all too much and their story continues in Episode 2 so it's for another day.n
Next is Vincent and Amber. He's a 30-year-old government employee and she was a locked up for four years after drug trafficking.
14. This man's introduction is about 30 clips of him working out and it's making me exhausted.
15. Oh gosh he just got the call that she's getting out of prison and HE IS SMILING SO BIG I THINK HE'S ACTUALLY IN LOVE.
16. God help us all he didn't write to one inmate… he wrote to 10 and Amber was his favourite response. WHAT'S WRONG WITH WRITING TO 10 PEOPLE ON TINDER. I didn't even know you could write to people you didn't know who were in jail.
17. HE'S NEVER MET HER AND HE WANTS TO MARRY HER. I AM SCREAMING. SCREAMING! 22 MONTHS (of romantic love letter-writing) IS NOTHING IF YOU HAVE NEVER MET. It doesn't even count! I can't with Vincent. Actually I can because I will keep watching.
18. Vincent just called himself "bold" and while I have other words for him I can also agree with bold.
19. Amber just said they're "about as in love as you can be without ever meeting somebody". I interpret that as not being in love.
20. Vincent is telling his mum about her and she's staying calm. Bless her. I could never. I feel so sorry for his mum. I can't imagine being a parent in her situation.
21. I don't want to judge but I feel he must be desperate to resort to wanting to marry an ex-criminal HE HASN'T EVER MET.
21. I've never been as ready for people to meet for the first time as I am right now.
22. Ooh, it's rather awkward isn't it, but strangely cute. Why am I genuinely finding this cute?
23. Eww they kissed. Less cute. Much less cute. This is really awkward now. Abort.
24. They're driving together and Vincent just called it a "surreal moment" for him. I won't lie, watching this go down is a surreal moment for me too.
If you're still with me then I'm not sure if you're intrigued or mortified. But just in case you needed to watch it for yourself, you can stream complete seasons of Love After Lockup for free on 9Now.
